Lives can be ruined by a myriad of things. Death, bankruptcy and addiction are all factors that immediately spring to mind, but there has always been one element of life that is constantly overlooked; Shyness. The inability to be the person you truly are is the most overlooked condition of the 21st century. It has a devastating and lasting impact on the lives of those it touches, rendering them incapable of living the life they really want to. Here Emma Grace Bailey unveils the truth behind this enigmatic affliction, determined in converting the sceptics.
The luckiest people in the world are those who are confident. Those who aren’t restrained in life by a gripping fear of the unknown, of judgement and of failure. The luckiest people in the world are those who walk with their heads held high - not out of arrogance but in pure, unadulterated contentment - unafraid of the world around them. The lucky ones believe in themselves, the unlucky ones do not.
The latter are more prevalent in society than anyone could guess. Around 50% of the population to be exact, according to the Stanford Shyness Research Program, suffer from a condition so shrouded in mystery and disinterest that it has been shunned from popular perception by those lucky few who misunderstand it. Those privileged ones who have no idea of the horror and the misery it creates. Those who have never felt the intense need to escape when confronted with an uncomfortable situation and those who have never been stopped in their tracks by the thought of performing a simple task. The unlucky are the shy, and before you make any snap, preconceived judgements take a moment to consider what life would be like if, like them, you saw your hopes and dreams slowly disappearing because of an inability to be yourself.
Olivia Hoare is one such person. At 21 years old she has struggled with her shyness for as long as she can remember. “I’m probably the shyest person I’ve ever met. I come from an incredibly introverted family. When I was young I would hide behind my mums’ skirt and refuse to come out. I don’t know exactly what age I grew out of that but it’s definitely transferred into my adult life. I don’t believe it will ever go away either. It’s built into me, it’s part of who I am.” Like many she believes that shyness was something she was born with. In her opinion she had no choice in the matter and even now, when she knows exactly what it is that’s holding her back, she believes that all she can do is try to accept it. Alicia Crane, a recent psychology graduate from UCL, agrees with this outlook. “Shyness is inherited from your parents just like any other genetic trait,” she says. “Personality develops over time and you may expect a shy child to grow out of their shyness but research suggests that it is in fact a relatively stable quality”
For Olivia every aspect of her life is affected by shyness. When walking into a bar, for example, her reaction is physically disabling and in general she finds it hard to cope with any sort of social situation. “When I walk in my chest starts convulsing. My breath becomes short and ragged. My palms start sweating and my eyes are suddenly glued to the floor. I feel the heat on the back of my neck as my mind tells me that every set of eyes is on me, judging me. Flustered, agitated and overly self conscious I stumble on the way to the bar, trip over my words and only feel the heaviness disappear when I slide into a booth, sink into the chair and hide my face from passersby.”
To some this will seem like an overly dramatic account. How can anyone really react that way just by walking into a room? Unfortunately, for them, they can and as John Richardson, a life coach who specialises in hypnotherapy
says, it is because “People lacking in confidence hold unpleasant images of how they look to other people.” They can’t see past the illusions they create for themselves and as a result find any interaction with strangers
infuriatingly difficult. It doesn’t stop short at social situations either. For a shy person the simplest of tasks and general day to day activities can turn into stomach churning endeavours. “I moved to London two years ago,” says Olivia, “and still, to this day, getting on a tube or a bus scares me. I even go to extra lengths to ensure my journey is as painless as possible. For example I will never get on a tube carriage where I can’t stand in the corner. I’ll wait for ages just to avoid it.”
When listening to accounts such as these one can’t help but speculate just how much of a persons life shyness can destroy. Relationships? Careers? Even health? The answer to all is a resounding and deafening yes. As stated on psychecentral.com “shyness can have a severe impact on adult situations, such as finding and advancing in a job and developing close personal relationships.” Olivia Hoare knows about all of this only too well. “The first ever job interview I had still haunts me to this day,” she recalled. “I was 16 and the interviewer basically ripped me apart for being shy. Picking on everything from the way I looked to how I spoke – it was pretty horrific actually. I left in tears.” Advancing in a career is one area in life where shy people are at a staggering disadvantage. No matter how understanding the interviewer may be at the end of the day no one is going to employ someone who can’t maintain eye contact longer than a minute. Martin Bailey, head of purchasing at Scapa Group and thus responsible for hiring many new employees, notes the difficulties this presents. “It is certainly harder for a shy person to get to the top of the career ladder. The ambitious, self confident types will dominate and those who come across as lacking self-confidence will definitely struggle.” This is the epitome of injustice. Shy people are just as qualified, just as gifted and just as able as confident individuals and they want it just as much, if not more. Yet something inside of them physically stops them from getting it. It is this battle within them that proves to be the most maddening side-effect of shyness. No matter how much they want something, no matter how much they try to push themselves and no matter how many ‘remedies’ they take to overcome it (Valium is Olivia’s favourite tipple) the goal is always just out of reach. As Dr Bernardo Carducci, director of the Shyness Research institute puts it, “That’s the typical pain of shyness- they want something they can’t have.”
One of the worst things about this condition, however, is the frustration felt at not being able to get others to understand. “If they’re a confident person,” says Olivia, “they just don’t know how it feels and as a result don’t give it the time or attention it deserves.” People that are shy are regarded with such disinterest and exasperation in our society that the problem gets constantly shunned and compounded by outsiders. As John Richardson puts it “We have grown up in a society that thinks we should “sort it out” or “snap out of it” when really things are not as easy as that.” It is also a commonly known fact that shy people are frequently misjudged as arrogant, pretentious snobs. “If someone doesn’t interact with us we wrongly assume they don’t like us, have rejected us or think they are better than us. So we perceive them as snobs when in actual fact they are shy,” Richardson continues. This ongoing lack of acceptance and understanding in our culture is resulting in somewhat of an epidemic – in the loosest sense of the word. Because shyness is not seen in the light that it should be – as a mental disorder similar, in ways, to depression and even Aspergers - the millions that suffer from it are trapped in a never ending vicious circle. They can’t help themselves, they can’t get the help they need and ultimately they can’t lead the life they want to. When asked if being shy could fundamentally ruin a person’s life everyone mentioned in this article said yes. It is a disturbing and sinister thought and one which desperately needs to be addressed.
When lifes mantra is always to live it to the full, to experience everything and to never give up you have to wonder how a shy person feels when they physically, mentally and utterly can’t do it. To utter the words of The Smiths seems apt at this point, “Shyness is nice but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to.”
